After an art tutorial...

Last Wednesday I met with one of my tutors at uni: I have not felt much like being out and about at the moment as Carl's anniversary was so hard this year and everything has hit a bit of a wall, however, I have had plenty of experience of these sort of feelings and I do know that things will get better. This is quite how I felt about this tutorial on Wednesday - I was told that I am not quite where I was last year with my work and I went home with a slight feeling of panic - Christmas holidays are approaching and then we really only have one term left. I need to be brave and remember that I have been in this sort of situation before; take on board the advice that I was given and then try to go forward whilst I also give myself some time to manage the grief I am feeling at the moment.

We discussed my free machine sculptures and it was suggested that they needed to be a little more feminine and have a greater suggestion of stitch rather than packaging. Whilst I am a little worried about whether this will work, I really think it is worth investigating and plan to get started as soon as my  cream / pale leather remnants arrive from Pittards (leather and  free machine embroidery sculpture). 

However, during this crit I did show my tutor these images:

The Bristol - 6 cylinder, 2 litre engine,
straight 6, side view

The Bristol- 6 cylinder, 2 litre engine, straight 6, back view

The Workshop

These pictures were taken at 'Spencer Lane Jones, Warminster': the company  lovingly restore these wonderful old cars - some are so unique as only one car was made - bespoke - I never realised that was possible. The engineers that worked on the cars were so helpful, informative and patient with me as I tried to remember which way round the engine went and what some of the key components were called. But they were also very supportive of my plans and ideas to reconstruct an engine in thread. My tutor was also quite excited about this idea - a masculine engine drawn in thread but how to go about it. 

Last year all my work was drawn freehand at the sewing machine, direct observation and  no preliminary pencil drawings. But at this crit it was suggested that I might want to use a projector to help me copy the image before I start the embroidery. Will this still be a free machine drawing or will that make it an embroidery? Will I be breaking away from my original idea - to make a drawing that just can't be perfect because it is made freehand? But   does the fact that it is made in a way that also supports this theory - on dissolvable fabric which when removed subjects the work to a loss of control and the loss of perfection? 

This is a complicated drawing and to help me solve this problem I will make some trial pieces - one freehand and another with some pencil marks but these will be with my own hand and not the projector: at the moment that is one step to far. I still want to explore the idea that good art does not have to be perfect; if I draw the design I will be trying to hard and therefor it may not work. But then, for this size project, maybe I do need a little help!

Free machine embroidered sculpture

A further sculpture can now be added to my blog - a camshaft sculpted from an old Austin engine that would have been in one of the original mini's and coincidentally, the Riley Elf that my dad owned when we were children. 

Here the camshaft can be seed covered in the embroidered fabric and then cling film to help the moulding process. It is then left to dry.

This is the underside of the camshaft and fabric. Unfortunately the camshaft has started to rust and has marked the fabric as can be seen in the image below. I am not sure if I like the obvious link or not .

Camshaft and shadow

When trying to photograph the camshaft, a really lovely shadow was also recorded. I must book a session at the photography studio at uni and see how I can develop this further. This provides a great sense of ethereality: for the fabric parts are not real, they are a suggestion of loss and longing but they are also quite beautiful. In my need to be perfect and take on roles that were beyond my normal remit as a wife and mother I am realising that there is an inner strength that allows us to do such things when we really have too, but what now needs to be found now is the strength to realise that this endeavour to be so perfect is not always needed and that my best might be equally worthwhile.

Here is a thread drawing  of the camshaft on mull (fabric used for making spine and lining books). I have various papers and fabrics to try drawing on with thread purchased form Shepherds of Gillingham Street, London. I want to know what happens when I draw on materials that are not actually made for embroidery and have unusual grains, thickness and texture. Materials that will may distort my image during the process of making or afterwards.

Still I wonder why my thread drawings are fairly successful when my pencil and paper drawings are very much weaker. My fear of failing on paper was making it worse, I could not relax and enjoy the process: I knew or rather worried that people would say or think that I could not draw. But inside I knew loved too, and through using a tool that I grew up with, in an unconventional manner i.e. making no preliminary marks on the fabric and just working from direct observation with one starting point and finishing point, I could begin to free up the creative process because the drawings just would not be perfect but perhaps might work quite well.

So where next? 

I have to decide if I want to try and persist with getting BMW to let me take a photograph of a modern mini engine so that I can create a free machine embroidered engine on dissolvable fabric (a technique first used in tear 2). Whilst i realise that there is the issue of privacy and secrecy, I will still hope. 

Shall I continue making sculptures from the old Austin engine and it's component parts that were in the original mini - various component parts and then the engine (courtesy of Graham).

Think about a different engine completely to draw - after all it is about the need to be perfect, our fear of failure explored through the association of female and male roles. So I am off to Warminster on Monday to photograph the old Bristol car engine at Spencer Lane Jones. The company had it's origins in Bristol before the start of the Nineteenth Century and grew after it's role in aviation development during the Second World War. This manufacturer was a big part of my childhood: my dad was a bus driver and drove the green route master bus with the Bristol engine. I also love old cars and their sense of history - who owned the cars, what journeys were made and who might yet continue the restore and care for our past and continue it's future.

So where am I going?

I have not had any luck with images from BMW - whilst I was very kindly sent some abstract images of component parts they are not quite what I am looking for i.e. a full frontal version of an engine. So my plan is to continue making drawings with different fabrics and threads and make more 3d moulds of component parts such as can be seen below

free machine embroidery,  Car Pump, 1

I am really excited by these! Whilst I do need to find a better way to photograph the work, the idea is still presented - fantastic car components that represent a male job - car mechanics / maintenance: they have been covered with a delicate fabric that represents the iconic female skill of embroidery. The components parts are made of steel, the fabric from thread therefor  passionately suggesting the link between men and women, but also the differences - but are they? At first thought, the competent parts are strong and bold, perfectly formed whilst the feminine thread soft and fragile, the fabric is just made of individual stitches that easily break. But when carefully formed, the structure is strong and beautiful. They are not perfect in form but  this allows a very enjoyable, organic state.

My First Drawings

Here are my first images for art. These are drawn free hand from direct observation, i.e. no guide marks made before I start so that - they won't be perfect as there is just one starting point and one finishing point. 

Black overlocking thread on calico cotton.

Water Pump, 1

Water Pump, 2

Spark plugs

Mini Cooper Images

A week has passed and as of yet I have not been able to find a way to obtain photographs of a mini engine to work from. I have been to a local garage owned by engine enthusiast who rebuilds old and damaged engines. His very organised workshop was full of clean as well as oily car parts and whilst I could only recognise a few shapes like spark plugs and some damaged pistons,  I couldn't help but love the shapes and very gratefully brought a few piece home ready to start drawing. 

Today I sent another email to Mini at Oxford and await hopeful that they might let me take or perhaps pass on some photos of a mini engine for me to start working from. But, until then I will dust off the sewing machine after it's summer break and get started making some drawings form these wonderful old engine parts.

A Mini Cooper Engine in Machine Embroidered Thread

Plans are now getting under way to start my year three project - a BMW mini cooper petrol engine made from free motion machine embroidery. I am not sure how this will work - i.e. will it be 2D, 3D, complete, partial or even possible at all? But it is an exciting idea.

I hope that this idea will enable to continue exploring the need to be perfect for that is why I have had to take an interest in what is going on under the bonnet of my car. It is another job that I have taken on since being widowed and as per usual, I have to do it well - taking care to get instructions from the mini dealer and then doing the job regularly whilst also encouraging my son to help, just as his dad would have done. But, I think it may go even further - they are male dominated skills and before being widowed I just took them for granted but now these objects i.e. his drill, hammer and screw drivers are about more than just a job - they are a reminder that Carl is not here and that I must now take over but secretly I think I like the challenge, the challenge to succeed in a mans domain and prove that I can manage, but at what cost? How perfect do I really need to be.

Here are some images I have managed to gather to start the creative process rolling:

online image, mini

Courtesy of Mini Wellsway,  Bath

Petrol Engine, Mini Coutryman

But during the creative process I want to be thinking about the deeper issues of semiotics and linguistics. People might see a fragile embroidered car engine  - I might see strength through the power of a single stitch proving it is about more than just embroidery. It will cross the power of a mans world with the feminine skill of embroidery: this will help to make it very exciting.

An introduction for year three...

I am now at the start of my final year at Bath Spa University: this will be spread over two years as I continue part-time because I also work two days a week as a Midwife and take care of  my two sons. Last year ended really well (81% and 83% for my two modules)  but with work now being thrown into the mix and an impending degree show, what will happen? 

Well first, a few images from last year :

Now untitled

'We Should Smile More...'

These images were part of a series of work that explored my need to be perfect: free machine embroidery drawn for direct observation onto dissolvable fabric. Whilst every effort was made to draw well, stitches were not corrected once made and the removal of the backing fabric on completion of the work left the drawing to find it's own shape. An amount of fear would be evident as I lost control over my work and the threads became themselves without their support. How would I feel about the final result? Perfect, not perfect; which was best and which would I accept? 

Still unanswered, this project has now been moved to my Art module because  the idea of perfection is such an exciting area of investigation.

The other area that I worked with last year was the idea of 'Damage and Repair' as seen in these images...

This project was based on another personal subject - trying to repair damaged lives after the death of my husband (see  Art and Textiles blog - The Heart of It). Perhaps both subjects are intrinsically linked but I think they are both equally weighty elements worthy of separate discussion and investigation. 

Trying to repair the damage caused by Carls death has led me up the path of trying to be perfect, trying to be a dad and a mother at the same time whilst making sure that my degree is a worthy investment of my limited time. But is a flawless repair necessary, can we not just make the best of what we now have? Perhaps the cracks and fragmented pieces can have a  new identity, one that does not forget the past but makes the best of what we now have. And maybe some of these newly created shapes will show a greater beauty and appreciation.